Life's Journey

I'm just going to state the obvious:  this journey through life we're all taking is one long learning process.  It can be hard.  Really hard.  I've been thinking so much about this lately.  What are we to learn, and why does it sometimes seem insurmountable?

I've been beset with anxiety and worry my entire life.  I remember being that way even as a child.  At 73, shouldn't I have learned how to conquer that by now?  

We're going through one of "those" times.  It affects me deeply.

Our daughter has been sick for 12 days now.  Truly sick.  It's viral so not much to be done but wait it out. But I know she's been miserable and worried about not having any sick PTO left.   She's doing all the right things - resting (or at least trying to between bad coughing bouts),  liquids, isolating.  (And that isolating thing can be a two-sided coin.  I'm impressed that she doesn't want to share this virus with anyone, but contact with other people, especially those who care about you, is a vital part of health. How does one balance this?)

Our son-in-law is currently on his way to get treatment for kidney stone. 

We've been going through the process of transferring our small funds from two financial advisors to one - a totally different one - for a fresh start.  The new firm has pledged to give us more personal attention which is the #1 reason for the change.  The one guy called me up and wanted to know why we were leaving.  He lives in our church Stake boundaries and I know he's upset and offended.  But this is business, right? And we have to do what's best for us, right?  

And those three items are just the beginning of things that are troubling me.  

So, every day as I pray (which is a constant day long thing I do in my heart) I pray to know what to do.  How to help.  What can I do better?  And most days I feel like I'm completely failing.  

I didn't come with the "fun" gene - the one that makes every chore a game, the one that instinctively knows how to throw a party, the one that is able to find delight in every day.  I came with the "worry" gene.  I'm the worker, the one that just gets stuff done and then wonders when the happy comes.  I wish I knew how to make life fun.  How to find the spark of light that increases enjoyment of every thing. I'd like that.  

Right now the sun is shining.  I'm grateful for that bright kiss of light from our creator. I'm grateful for our electrician friend who came and did a very small project for us and made us feel like we mattered while doing a routine-for-him thing. I'm grateful for people like him who are qualified to do the things we can't (like the guy coming tomorrow morning to work on the garage door opener).  I'm grateful for the chance every day to try harder.  For hope that somehow, somewhere along the way I'll finally learn the things I'm meant to learn.

I took this picture of the moon the other morning.  It's not the greatest, but it turned out w-a-y better than I'd expected.  We didn't walk this morning - neither one of us slept and I couldn't bring myself to wake The Husband.  He finally ended up on the couch. Getting old comes with a set of issues that no one not in the "getting old" category can possibly understand.😬

Cautiously Optismistic

 We're old school.  Unabashedly so.  We still like our Tivo.  And it works great for us.  I think I might have lamented that the two mini-units we had died.  It all came to a point-of-no-return that miserable day we tried to hook up a new Tablo (which didn't work and was returned to Best Buy).  We've been limping along with our main Tivo (hooked up to the wifi not the ethernet) in The Husband's office.  We've been spending our evenings there watching things we've recorded.  

I am postponing as long as possible our eventual acceptance of streaming everything.  For now, we both much prefer our Tivo.  But recently The Husband received an email from Tivo advertising a discount on their mini-lux which supposedly works with our series of Tivo base unit.  Taking a chance, we ordered. 

It was shipped FedEx.  Miraculously, it was delivered as promised.  We unboxed it, and in a little while The Husband had it set up, connected with our main unit, paired the regular tv remote so we only have to keep track of one remote and we are up and running.  So far.  I am hopeful and cautiously excited that we've solved one of life's little annoyances.  

I was ready to stand and dance a jig when it appeared it was working.  It's been kind of irritating to not be able to pause the tv while we pray over our meals.  (Yes, we do watch tv when we're eating.  Life would be strange without Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy.) I know in the overall scheme of things this truly isn't important.  That doesn't change how much having it again impacts our overall life enjoyment for the better.

LOTS of leaves.

Went to a movie yesterday:  the latest version of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever.  Even 24 hours later I'm still conflicted about it.  It did check one of my mandatory boxes:  a happy ending.  Still a bit uncomfortable with other aspects.  But it was a decent enough way to spend an afternoon.  Next Tuesday will be another movie and then the following Tuesday is the one I'm most excited about - Wicked (part one).  If the play were being produced anywhere near here, I'd be getting tickets and seeing it again.  I tried without success to read the book.  But the play is a favorite of mine (aside from the scene at the school with all the animals, somehow that particular part just rubs me wrong). 

And the picture?  The trees have finally begun to lose their leaves.  All of a sudden.  The yard (front and back) has a covering of leaves, but as is noticeable, there is still a large percentage of them left on the trees.  We'll be raking over the next while as much as possible.  (And with luck 😁 - just kidding - the wind will blow a bunch of them away so we won't have quite so much to rake.) 

So I'm grateful today that not only did FedEx not lose our package, but we were able to use the contents to enhance our lives.  I am so very grateful for cooler temps, working furnaces and a pork roast in the slow cooker to provide dinner for tonight and probably a couple days beyond.  I'm grateful for somewhere to go tomorrow, even if it's only a quick-ish errand, for glue on my clogs to wear on Saturday (the storehouse that's hard on a body) and for hope that the new finance guys will be better than the previous ones.  It'll be nice to have everything all in one place.

Life Is Never Dull

 Last week felt kind of busy, but kind of not.  Which seems to be more the state of things these days.  

We stopped at the local theater and bought tickets to see three movies, the next three Tuesdays (cheap-er day). Tomorrow will be our first one and it'll be great fun to get out and do something different.  It's been a while since there were any movies worth spending the money on.

Friday was a day.  Started out feeling weird and kept going that way.  I have a favorite pair of earrings that I wear pretty much every day.  They are small hoops filled with tiny diamonds.  I've never seen another pair exactly the same, but I love them.  I clicked them on that morning.  And felt them move really far together.  I'm not rough with my things.  But that morning something bent on the earring and it was stuck tight.  I couldn't get it off.  Had to wait for The Husband to come home and pry the earring open, my ear lobe was sore for a couple days.  

We ran over to our local jeweler (he's closing down his business after 30+ years by the end of the year) and he fixed it on the spot.  Was excited to put them on this morning and found the other one won't stay closed.  I would lose it out of my ear in a heartbeat.  😢 I am so very sad about this.  When we were at the jeweler's the other day I looked at some small similar earrings - even at half price they were several times more than the original cost of these.  Something that at this time of life there would be zero justification to spend the money on. So they are tucked away in the drawer.  I'll take them out from time to time to wish I could wear them.  But I think I must have just plain worn them out. I somehow came to earth with an extra dose of sparkle-jewelry love.  

That day we also ran to the grocery for a quick trip.  Ended up taking an extraordinary amount of time. We kept running into people we know and haven't seen for a long time so had to "catch up".  Even though it felt like a time drain, it was lovely to see familiar faces who greeted us with smiles and hugs.  

Our daughter came in to visit.  That meant both of our daughters got to spend some one-on-one time together.  I love that.  And I love having the same with her. It was a nice couple days.  We haven't succeeded in lots of ways in life.  But we do have some outstandingly good kids.  Maybe not all of them in all the ways one might hope.  But they are all hardworking, thoughtful, kind, good parents, responsible and many other things a parent hopes for their children.  💖 

My foot continues to be troublesome.  The metatarsal pads help, and I think the taping helps.  The most important thing seems to be the shoes.  I have a new-ish pair of Danskos that I love, but won't wear at the storehouse - they'd be trashed within an hour.  The Husband bought me a pair of Hokas for walking and while I love them for that, my feet were hurting quite a bit after wearing them at the storehouse on Saturday. They are excellent for outdoor walking but not good for short stints of walking with a lot of standing in between.  I am not sure the gluing of the soles on my old ones is going to work.  And I have my eye on a new pair of Danskos, but need to try them on first and they aren't super easily available locally.  I just hate to ship shoes back and forth.  Not to mention the cost of all the shoes.  The whole issue is just daunting.  But I'm kind of tired of the pain.

They reorganized the R.S. and much of the YW yesterday at church.  It is the same group of people that just get shuffled from one "important" calling to another.   (The brother conducting the meeting (releasing the presidency) stressed how great they did at their important callings.  And how important they were.   I don't think he realized that he was minimizing the value of every calling.  They are all important.  And we need to recognize that we are valued equally regardless of the "importance" of the calling. Sorry for the soapbox speech.) But at least this shuffling has a different mix of the important group of people.  I'm hoping these sisters will increase the charity and kindness so needed in our ward.  And grow in their ability to promote better unity.  No one should feel inferior or unnecessary or without value.  

It was our Primary Program yesterday at church.  It was cute as always.  I was struck by how small the primary has become.  The Husband counted 23 kids.  That's very small.  I think our YM/YW group is nearly double that.  Where we live is definitely an area that's growing up / older. 

So today I'm grateful for a beautiful day that feels like early fall.  Temps in the upper 60's.  Sunshine galore. I'm grateful The Husband was able to get those mums out of the ground.  It'll be fun to figure out what to replace them with in the spring. I'm grateful for a visit for another grandson. We don't get to see our grandchildren enough.  I'm grateful for a movie to see tomorrow, for an idea to cook for dinner and for a bit of time this afternoon to just do what I feel like doing.

Tuesday Thinking

I've been in the thick of a few things lately.  And it makes me feel old.  Again.  Irrelevant, invisible, incompetent.  To name just a few things.

We had a hall chat on Sunday with a couple people that we thoroughly enjoy.  And I truly know she has a good heart and kind intentions.  But she said - most sincerely - thanks to me for showing them the way.  I wasn't sure what she meant, and found out that she was saying we're showing them the way to grow old.  Now, I get what she was saying and know her intention was to be encouraging.  But the flip-side of the comment was to call us out as being old.  It was bothersome.  And has bugged me a bit.

Then, we had to set up an online access system with our new finance guys.  Talk about incompetent (not them...me).  We finally had to have a conference call with the the finance guys' assistant and the investment company.  It wasn't hard, really.  Just had to have a few things cleared up, including online things on the investment company's side. But really, I just felt old and inadequate.

Last Nov./Dec. was stressful.  Finding new insurances took some time and mental gymnastics.  (Yes, my mind isn't quite as quick as it used to be.) Don't know how anyone manages this kind of stuff without an actual agent.  Four policies (homeowner's, auto, umbrella, earthquake) can get complicated in a finger snap. Had to chat with the agent again last night regarding my inability to figure out the website so as to get the payments done.  Yes, I did say:  my inability.  But I will submit that the website isn't the easiest to navigate.

So there it is.  I have felt overloaded, overwhelmed and under capable.  Technology changes all the time.  And when you only access a website a time or two over the year it is easy to lose track of what is important.  I'm easily lost when it comes to tech.  So afraid that I'll click something I shouldn't, delete something important or miss what's valuable.  

And here I am, complaining a bit about technology which has been a huge blessing the world over. Then I came across this article this morning.  Blessings can still be a trial  I freely own up to being old. And it often feels like the world is passing me by.   But I can manage to get the help I need when I need it.  I can still attempt the tech that intimidates me.  I can mostly manage the blessing even while recognizing my fears.  I am still grateful for the enhancement to life that tech provides.  Even for old people.

I try to find some gratitude in every day.  Even when I'm overloaded, overwhelmed and under capable.  I'm grateful today for computers that make it so much easier to handle things when distance is prohibitive of face-to-face contact.  I'm grateful for a snug, comfortable home where we feel safe.  I'm grateful for the changing weather - it's so fun to look outside and see the wind blowing the fast falling snow even in the sunshine.  And amidst the contentious political climate (election years are getting more and more troublesome) I'm grateful to know that the sun will rise tomorrow and life will go on regardless of the outcome of the election.  I am committed to the knowledge that the purposes of our Creator will be fulfilled.