Thinking

I'm always thinking.  I probably am too much inside my head.  

So Sunday was the anniversary of our being sealed in the temple - 54 years.  I wasn't in the mood to be in our ward so I got tickets and we took Trax (does that count as not keeping the Sabbath holy?) downtown to see the Choir on Temple Square do their regular live Sunday morning broadcast.  Not sure we've ever done that before and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  They open the doors an hour early, and the audience sits through a dress rehearsal.  Then there's a fifteen minute pre-show, this one was hosted by Thurl Bailey all 6'11" of him.  He polled the audience and fully 50% were from out of state, and a bunch more were from out of the country.  It felt odd to not applaud between numbers but everyone was totally respectful of the rules.  I am so glad we did that.  Watching on tv doesn't even remotely compare to being there in person.  Nothing beats live music.  

Temple square is beautiful, always.  This hibiscus was only a random sample, not the largest blossom by any means, and so pretty. And the temple looks more normal without all the scaffolding surrounding it.  The black fencing around the temple itself is really pretty.  Some landscaping has occurred so the whole square looks better even though there's still construction fencing around a lot of it. 

This morning was our nuclear stress/rest test - as a result of our heart calcium test.  I nearly lost it when we arrived to check-in and were told our co-pay was $420.  Apiece.  (We'll be setting up a payment plan once the insurance company does its thing.) I could feel my stress level go through through the roof.  I started shaking, the intake woman asked me something - something about the dr. - who I'm still so hesitant about; I just feel so unseen from our one visit with her. Before I knew it, a couple tears had escaped to run down my cheeks and then I was completely embarrassed.  Felt even more upset because I was certain my blood pressure was going to be taken and it would be ugly.  Nearly two hours later when we left the hospital I felt a bit better.  The test wasn't too awful, though not my favorite.  I'm still a bit trembly and my head still aches - but then I went in with a fierce headache.  I'm not really prone to headaches until lately since we've been on the statin.  But fasting - especially with no water really does give me a bad headache.  They provided caffeinated drinks after because experience has proven that caffeine really helps the test-induced headache.  I could only manage about 1/3 of a can of Mtn. Dew.  But snarfed the Lorna Doones and Oreos quicker than I could think. 

We were both hungry (no breakfast) so we had a rare treat of a meal at Penny Ann's Cafe. I'm sure it was totally bad for us but at that point I didn't really care.  My waffle had bits of bacon in

the batter (they weren't as plentiful as I would have liked) and The Husband always loves their Banana Bread French Toast.  (I will never understand - and this is totally personal and without judgement - how anyone can like whipped cream.  Not my thing, feels like I'm just eating sugary fat.) If we go back to Penny Ann's- which I hope we will at some point, I think I'll refuse to have that particular waitress.  No.  She wasn't good.  

Saw a squirrel at the feeder yesterday evening, which made me happy.  We bought some attractant for the wasp trap.  They're invading the hummingbird feeder.  That surprises me because we're paying what feels like too much money for bug/insect/flying critter elimination.  But this will be an easy fix.  Going to make sure The Husband prepares it with gloves on, don't want that stuff on his hands. 

Last Thursday was our Hale tickets to Our Town.  We could have skipped that play and I would have been fine.  It's dialogue heavy, very sparse as to stage sets, and the message seems ill-conveyed IMO.  But it was a night out and that's always good for us.  We should probably be around people more than we are.  And I'd be good with that as long as it isn't at some medical facility / medical people.

I'm grateful today - very much so - that this dreaded test is over.  Whatever the results, we'll figure it out.  Since we haven't had any symptoms of heart issues (except for our elevated cholesterol) my hope is that the statin will be sufficient.  I was frankly, kind of mentally terrified about this test.  I'm so grateful that we made it through without a single issue.  The staff was so very kind.  They don't typically have two people in together (one person seemed quite surprised that both of us were in for the same test) and I think they actually enjoyed being busy swapping us back and forth - kept them busy and I think it went faster.  I'm always saying how grateful I am for our air conditioning, and I'm concerned about how much this is costing us, but I do wilt in the heat.  I sleep better with the windows closed when it's allergy season (from April through October).   We had some thunder and lightning overnight, made me grateful the windows were closed which meant I didn't have to get up and run around keeping the rain out. I'm grateful for a kind friend who reached out and said she was wishing us well before the test.  It's nice to feel like I matter if even only a little bit.

Mid Week

And for some reason it feels like Saturday to me.  

Our daughter and son-in-law came to visit.  Drove four hours, stayed a few hours and then drove four more hours home again.  It was lovely to see them.  I got to go to lunch (sorry that one of us had a lousy lunch and I'm still miserable from the onions - but I know to expect onion misery when I eat at a Mexican restaurant) with my two daughters.  Moms really need their daughters.  I love to see them enjoying each other.  So very much long for that with / for our sons.  

This morning's walk found me finishing it all by my lonesome.  The Husband wasn't feeling good enough so he came home.  I ended up running into a woman I've long admired and we had a lovely chat.  She's gracious and kind and a wonderful mother.  I have marveled all day long how much that meant to me, that she seemed content to stand on the side of the road for 20 minutes or so and just talk.  Women need women friends.  Even those who are rarely seen.  

We've had the squirrel (is it Earl or Myrtle) in the yard.  This picture was taken through the window and then cropped and cropped so it isn't its crispest.  Initially was annoyed that it was eating so much of the bird food but finally decided I didn't really care.  I'm not scaring off the little critter.  He's welcome here.

There's another huge party next door.  Music has been so loud it's hard to think.  But I suspect it'll be over earlier (and likely without the police presence) than last time. Roughly five more years and those boys will all be on to college, etc.  Looking forward to it.

We've an anniversary coming up - 54 years ago we were sealed in the temple, including our oldest daughter (three months old at the time).   We had wanted to take a weekend away, but no.  I've made a reservation at Cheesecake Factory and the gift card The Husband has will be enjoyed.  He's my forever.

I'm grateful again today for the kindness of that friend I saw on the trail.  Grateful that my two daughters evidenced enjoyment to be together for the afternoon.  Grateful for good books to read, for insurance that will hopefully pay for the echocardiogram we both had, grateful for (expensive) water enough to keep our trees alive and grateful for the luxury of leaving the air conditioning on all night long when it feels too hot to sleep. 

New Week

Monday.  Started with my morning walk, The Husband decided to answer the pillow call.  I thought I'd be smart and do the walk I wanted in reverse, the plan was to avoid the bicyclists.  There is a large club that meets at the school near us - most weekday mornings they set off in groups, generally heading up the trail we often use.  There are usually a couple hundred of them.  They are having fun, good for them.  They are anything but considerate and careful of the people walking.  This seems to be a trait of the bikers around here in general.  

But, my plan was foiled.  Whatever it was, the timing was just right for me to be coming down the trail as  all couple hundred of them were heading up.  I was loving my personal alone time, being thoughtful and prayerful.  Only to be interrupted at least a hundred times to reply to the "good morning" that was tossed my direction.  Had to step off the trail several times to not be run over - they take up the entire width - no regard for anyone else utilizing the pavement. 

And...it was 84 degrees when I left the house.  One of those days when the clouds hold in the heat.  Was super happy I'd left the air conditioning on overnight. 

Wanted to post a picture I took of the fox we saw yesterday morning.  It's been at least a year since the last sighting.  I took a bunch of pictures - this was the best one, he was far across the horse pasture. I love his white-tipped tail.  

Today feels kind of odd / off.  First week in many, many weeks I'm not taking dinner to my friend on her cancer treatment day.  The Bishop visited her, the result was a Relief Society online sign up to take her dinner every treatment day and vacuum once a month.  She sternly told me I would not be vacuuming her house, not with my back. And the sign up for meals was filled within a couple hours.  It's kind of a relief.  But kind of sad.  I still feel like they think I wasn't doing enough.  But whatever, I get that service mostly includes some kind of sacrifice.  Was my sacrifice sufficient?  

Fast meeting was pretty good yesterday.  Most people expressing gratitude for this country.  Yes, it is flawed and troubled, just like the people.  But I would not want to live anywhere else. I did notice that most everyone bearing testimony was of a certain age - none of the young people.  I guess it takes some life experience to truly appreciate what this country has to offer.  I hope genuine patriotism endures.

I'm holding off on changing cardiologists.  I think she is qualified.  But I was left quite frustrated by her lack of interest in anything I had to say, in hearing my concerns or questions.  We've been diligent with our statins - the first time in my life I've had to take any kind of maintenance medication (and yes, I'm conflicted about it).  But so far there've been no noticeable side effects - thankfully.  More tests to come but those are to be expected - information is valuable and a baseline is important.  After our next appointment it might be decision time.

Today's gratitude?  For being born in this country.  The few times I've had the luxury of traveling out of it, I am always beyond happy to be back, I always get a huge sense of relief to be "home". I'm grateful for people who reach out to say hi to someone they haven't seen in a while.  Everyone needs to be acknowledged. I'm grateful for good medical care (and insurance to help with that), doctors have always been scary for me mostly because I grew up with such health challenged parents. I'm grateful for some song lyrics that were shared with me last week that so touched my heart, made me feel cared for. And for the kind offer to spend part of the 4th of July with us.  I'll always wish for more inclusion and care, but never ever want to inconvenience anyone in any way. (And truthfully, it was fine - too hot to go anywhere and I dislike causing people to have to work on a holiday.) I'm also grateful for the chance to try again today, and every day, to be the person that I'm certain our Heavenly Father wants me to be.  It is an ongoing (yes, willing) journey for me. 

Thursday

 Went to lunch with our friends.  I enjoyed the food and the company.  Sometimes I think I'm a tiny bit starved for social interaction.  But I'm picky: it must be with people I like and not a situation that makes me anxious.

Finished another book - our morning walk tomorrow will be to the library to return the one I finished.  Thankfully, I have a stack of several that I can choose from.  I so enjoy reading.

Saw this deer on our walk the other morning.  Saw another one today - feels kind of like we're seeing more of them lately.  

And my shirt?  I've had this shirt since before we moved into this house and we've been here for 25 years.  I keep wearing, washing and ironing it, but as is obvious from this area around the collar (and it is a representative pic of several identical areas on this shirt) it is truly nearly worn out.  The print is faded, there are a couple un-removable stains, but I don't care, I keep wearing it.

And really, I don't have a whole lot to say here.  Was doing a couple other things on my computer and decided to write a couple things.  It'll be the 4th of July, our National Holiday in a couple days.  We don't have any plans.  I always wish for invitations or people to do things with.  After being married for 55 years, you'd expect I'd be used to spending all the holidays just with our own little family.  Our family which grew from the two of us into six members and has shrunk again to just the two of us.  Then again, I'm not fond of crowds or noise or obligations and am not really up to lots of work (prep, hosting and clean up).  So I'm conflicted - as I so often am in life. Dislike feeling invisible but also dislike saying "yes" when I really want to say "no".   Bottom line is I guess I'm really ok spending the day here at home with The Husband.  We'll hopefully see our daughter and grandson at some point in the
day and that will be just right.   Netflix and Amazon Prime have been our go-to lately.  😊

They seem to be getting a handle - albeit small - on the Cottonwood Fire.  Fires scare me.  Droughts scare me. The two together are a tiny bit alarming to me.  Was asked yesterday if I was nervous about something specific, my response was that I'm always nervous about everything.  Haha, but yes, truly.

I'm grateful today for kindness that is extended to us - from anyone.  I like to see that there is still kindness in the world, even for old people that are seeing diminishing abilities.  And I'm grateful that it is finally July - only a couple more months of seriously hot weather.  Hoping for some summer monsoon to kick in - we need the moisture so badly.  I'm grateful the grass is more green than crispy, even as we baby it with only minor increased amounts of water. And I'm grateful for our country, flawed though it is, flawed as the leaders can be, divided as it is.  It is and can be again, a great country.