Confession: I'm A Fraud

Let me explain.  The organ and I have never been friends.  When my Mom started having me accompany her (and often her with her friends) on the piano when I was just a young'un, I think she thought she'd struck gold.  I've spent the vast majority of my life accompanying people, choirs, instruments, groups, funerals, weddings - whatever - on the piano and I've actually really enjoyed it. My horizons have been broadened and friendships deepened by this association.  And I'm happy to do it, anytime, most anywhere (not bars). The piano has been my steadfast lifelong friend.

When I was about 15 or so, Mom had me sit at the organ and learn a few things.  I took a 6 week course (free, taught by the Church) on how to play the organ.  Disliked it from the very first minute.  It intimidates me.  I don't have the coordination to play the pedals and my hands at the same time.  I don't understand the settings.  I've fallen off organ benches onto the pedals (loudly) - in church no less. No enjoyment there for me.

No matter, Mom had struck gold twice.  From then on I played the organ in church often.  That was a calling I had in high school for a time.  Never cared for it.  But there I was.  Stuck.  I've been ward organist in most of the places we've lived.  (Along with many other simultaneous music / piano callings.)

I don't think I've actually ever told anyone I can play the organ, in my heart I don't really think I can.  (And I've never been fond of organ music, it isn't pretty to me.)

So today, I felt like a fraud once more.  Substituted again for our friend at the organ for Church while she was off at a grandson's mission farewell.  I actually have no aptitude nor proficiency at the organ.  I sit there on the bench feeling the worst kind of fool, pretending that I know what I'm doing when in actuality I don't.  I sit there with my shoulders back, head high, hit that bass coupler button, try to keep in time with the chorister and pump the volume way up. (And I've learned to push the bench in closer so that I don't ever fall off again!)  It's all in the attitude - and sometimes I can have plenty of that.

But inside I know it's all fake.  Even the attitude.