Emotional

 So many "feels".  

• I want to get this down so I don't forget.  I met a woman at yoga.  I've been over at one of the county rec centers doing yoga for well over a year.  My yoga classes were complicated (and unavailable) because of COVID, but I finally managed to find a class that's at a not-too objectionable time.  I've had to lower my expectations and adjust schedules but it's been working well enough.  

Anyway, when you go for a while, you become familiar with the core group of people that attend all the time.  This woman is one.  She told me that when she and her husband moved to Utah a few years ago she wanted to find meet some people, find some friends.  (I gather that religion isn't where that happens for her.)  So she joined the county rec center and attends several different class throughout the week.  She's pretty - full blooded (though born in the USA) Italian, thick beautiful dark hair, maybe 4 foot 10 or 11, and maybe weighing 90 pounds dripping wet.  So she's petite and pretty and outgoing and warm-hearted and just delightfully charming.

We've spoken only a few times.  She was quite firm with me earlier in the year that I needed to use her recipe and eat a ton of her chicken soup and my cough would go away.  (I didn't.  It didn't.  She wasn't aware and it was all just fine.)

She'd been missing from class for quite a few weeks and I wondered if she'd been away on a trip. One day she showed up again - chatting with her circle of friends and it was good to see her back.  

Last Wednesday I was heading out, heard my name called and turned to find her walking toward me.  She said she'd been trying to talk to me for several class times but I was always gone before she managed to. (I often have a couple stops to make on my way home from class and then there's lunch to get for The Husband so I'm generally out of there pretty quick.)  She wanted to tell me about her trip.  I asked if she'd had a grand time and then it came out:  everyone she was with got COVID and had to lay low for a while.  But the worst was the cough.  It was non-stop and horrid.  She wanted to commiserate with me about the nasty cough (though mine was just a regular old virus not COVID).  She said she'd thought of me often when coughing because we'd talked about it. 

The point is:  she actively sought me out.  Now I might notice on occasion how elegant she looks in reverse warrior (it's really a becoming pose for most people) but we are barely acquainted.  (In spite of the fact that we discovered once that my married surname is the same as her mother-in-law's maiden name - it's funny the coincidence that is - along with adoption in the family that we also have in common.)  I was so struck by her kindness.  She's one of those whose arms are figuratively open for anyone within distance.  So the opposite of my nature.

The next class I wanted to go thank her for her kindness.  I admire that open welcome in others because it isn't even remotely innate in me.  As I stood there trying to form some kind of cohesive sentence, my eyes filled with tears so much I had to tell her I had no idea why I was bawling.  (It really never got quite to the bawling point but I was still embarrassed.  Yoga is no place for tears.) She drew me in for a hug and told me how much she's loved all the people she's met there at the rec center and how lovely it is to see friends all the time.  And how we should go to lunch and chat - after all we share a name.  

I so admire people like that.  I am fairly certain that her time in Utah has exposed her to our church and I'm pretty sure she's not interested.  But people like that are needed everywhere.  Even in our church.  Maybe especially in our church.

• I was struck this weekend during General Conference how many references were made to how everyone is welcome, everyone belongs, everyone has a place.  That is rarely my experience.  I rarely feel welcome or that I belong or that I have a place.  This area is a hard one to live in.  There's so much wealth and "important" people.  We are neither of those things.  I need to remember or keep reminding myself that it is my goal to feel welcome, that I belong to the Savior.  Hard to keep in mind.  Must work on that.

• I had to make this blog private again which somehow always diminishes it for me.  It's irrational I know.  And I don't brag about it or share it with people.  I have pleaded with a certain person to not talk to me about it.  I have out and out said "we're not talking about my blog" to this person on more than one occasion.  It's generally met with "I know, but I just want to say this one thing."  I feel judged and monitored.  I started this because there was a need in me.  There must still be a need for me to do this.  And in the beginning it felt really good that someone thought it was interesting enough to read.  But it's been so long now and I've asked that person to not talk to me about it anymore; that I really just do this for me, as my personal record of things in my life that I want to remember.  It isn't meant for someone's entertainment or for them to keep track of my life.  Somehow it makes me sad that someone doesn't understand or respect my wishes enough. 

• And more emotions.  I've been super frustrated with the reverse osmosis unit.  We ordered a replacement valve for one that apparently had failed.  The meter shows the unit is now filtering the water much better.  But the flow is so low that the fridge leaks because there's not enough pressure to trigger the valve in the fridge to completely close.  Sigh.

Yesterday's sunrise.  

And I've been so upset.  The neighbors pool construction has been nothing short of calamitous for us.  The noise and machinery and shaking of the house has been over the top.  Our mailbox has been blocked more often than not.  Our neighbor has said that her goal has been to be the gathering place for all the friends of her five kids.  The pickleball court is in constant use.  So I'm guessing she's thrilled with the results so far.  Me?  not so much.  Monday evening the lights on the court were on until 10:30 (that's the city-required turn off time for lights that bright).  Friday night there were a ton of kids over there (which is proof of how popular the family is which somehow makes it feel like they're more important) and the lights were on.  I said I imagined the kids all had midnight curfews so the lights would be on until about then.  And yup, one of those times I'm sad to be right.  So much loud noise from the kids.  Pickleball thwacking noises until 11:25.  Then lots of noisy voices until ten to twelve when the kids finally left (leaving their drink cups trash in the street).  We got no sleep that night.  The Husband finally went in on the couch about one or so and stayed in there until about five.  The thing is:  those lights are super bright and there's no way to block them from our bedroom.  I was in bed with my eyes closed and when the lights finally turned off it was startling in the difference, even with my eyes closed. 

So it feels like I've been constantly angry, hurt, discouraged, stressed and every other unhappy emotion.  I've been taking ginger like crazy to calm my overly acid stomach.  I've been unreasonably short with people around me and will cry for no reason at all.  

Yesterday my one prayer (other than blessing the food) was to be kind and patient.  Especially with The Husband. It mostly worked.  Today my goal is the same.  There's some frustration between us because of that dang non-working r.o.unit (I despise when things don't work properly) but I haven't raised my voice or been critical or lashed out at him.  My goal is to complete the day in kindness and with patience.  He is my best and most important friend.  I want to show him my love and not lash out at him over things that aren't his fault or don't matter.  I don't want him to ever feel unwelcome or that I don't love him.  Satan is working hard on me and I don't know why.  But I'm determined to do better.