Warning

Today's post will be a bit of "vent" (well actually probably a total "vent") hoping that the expressing of these thoughts will help my heart heal a bit and I will finally be able to let go.

So, if reading a catharsis doesn't sound appealing, just stop now.

Weeks ago a friend told me how I had disappointed her.  That I hadn't been there for her, that when she needed me I wasn't there.  I was so stunned I could only sit there and finally muster a meager "I'm sorry." Not liking confrontation, I appeared to buy in to her sentiments that I was a failure as her friend.

In truth my mind was reeling.  As I thought back over the year, my perspective was that I actually had been there for her, but felt I had been pushed away, shoved aside by her.  I had been the recipient of mean, accusatory e-mails (which I did not answer in kind, only defended myself), criticism when my behavior did not meet her standards; I extended multiple invitations that were turned down and I was left out of activities that we had previously done together.   And her statement that I hadn't been there for her stung.  I felt like I had reached out and been rejected - over and over.

(I do understand that there are 3 sides to most situations:  Yours, Mine and Reality.)

Still I wanted to cry out how wrong she was.  But mum I remained - didn't want to cause a scene and didn't want to make things worse.  The result was that I felt much, much worse and she seems fine.

So now, we don't speak.  And there is a hole.  For years I enjoyed her company, enjoyed the activities we did together, enjoyed our chats.  Now, I feel like I am less, like I don't have enough to offer, like I have been labeled disloyal.  None of which feels good or right or true.  

Women need women friends - that's a fact.  There is absolutely nothing to trump the inexpressible joy and fulfillment of a good marriage.  And I'm ever grateful for The Husband and his nearly unbelievable devotion to me.  Still...there's something different about a woman friend. They are hard to find and harder to replace.

So, my thoughts today:  It's hard to lose a friend.  It's hard to get over the hurt.  But I will persevere.