Is It Obvious?

After putting my thoughts out there for over 9 years, and done so quite happily, I got discouraged.  Something was said (about this blog)  and something was not said (about this blog - the mouth was kept in a straight smile and not a sound emitted)  and it was awkward for me.   It all of a sudden made me self-conscious.  Not that I think I'm any kind of great writer, I know I'm not.  (I used to write a column from the Primary for our ward newsletter ( about 2 decades ago- I would have been in my 40's and the president a few years younger) and the Primary president insisted on previewing (and marking) it, which she did with a red pencil, just like I was in 3rd grade.  So, yeah, I'm well aware I'm not a great writer.)

I started this because I needed an outlet.  I'm not great at paper journals and this seemed to fit my need to record my thoughts, daily life and hope. I've enjoyed the chronicling.  And frankly, I've loved that my daughters and spouse give me positive feedback.  But it's been hard to get the "something said/something not said" out of my mind.

So I've stopped taking so many pictures, stopped thinking of cute things to put here, stopped actively looking for joy (and gratitude) in my life.  And yes, it's been obvious, and sad.  Sad that I've been sad about this little blog that has been some good for me.

I've warned the family that one day this little spot on the internet will just cease to exist.  Still, it feels like a bit of a hole in my life. I even dreamed about it the other night - some random person from church mentioned how I hadn't posted anything in a while and they missed it.  Yikes!  I think I'm grateful the people from church don't read this.

And yet, I still haven't quite been able to bring myself to let go.  Life is currently so full of changes that right now I'm needing a bit of constancy.  Whether anyone (but my family) reads this or not, I think I still have a bit of a need, though it might not be the "every day" kind of need.

In the days since I last wrote stuff has happened.  We had a wild and crazy summer thunderstorm that I was trying to out-drive ( I couldn't forever stand in front of Target waiting for it to stop).  The Husband and I have conversed non-stop it seems about when he should retire.  It makes me so sad to see him so miserable at work.  And he says he is sad to see me fussing about whether we'll be financially ok.  So rather than a win-win situation it feels like a stuck-stuck situation. And I think we're both running out of pep talks to give.  It's seeming to take an extraordinary amount of time and energy to figure out the retirement thing.  I'm still trying to figure out how to be this age.  It was easier when we were younger.

I've had to stop riding bikes with my neighbor because my knees are a decade older than hers and aren't happy to push so hard (her bike is faster, she has clips on the pedals and it's tough for this old bird to keep up unless it's downhill).  My stomach acid has drastically improved since I was released as compassionate service person, though I have been invited to do service. I'll be teaching R.S. this coming Sunday and am concerned about doing my best for Heavenly Father, I so want His Spirit to attend and contribute to the discussion.

Tiny watermelon.

The garden is doing fine in spite of the heavy hail we had last week.  We've shared tomatoes around, even to the neighbors who aren't well versed in the art of "please" and "thank you".  The pumpkins are getting large and we even have two small watermelons that I figure won't make it to harvesting before the colder weather.  And colder weather sounds nice.  I was on the treadmill this morning - our air quality has been so bad because of all the fires in CA, I wasn't anxious to go out and walk in it.

We've been to a couple pretty decent movies, out with friends for dinner, are heading to St. George for a wedding and The Husband was honored to ordain our grandson an Elder.  I had a chat with a childhood/lifelong friend when she did the right thing and picked up the phone and called instead of just responding to my text.  That little interaction carried my spirits along for at least a day or two.

So, life is normal I guess.  I told The Husband the other day I thought it was my mandate from the Almighty to be a worrier.  So I worry and I fuss, then try to find ways to tamp it down so it doesn't overtake me.  Is it obvious?  I'm pretty sure it is.

But I also hope what is obvious is my gratitude.  My gratitude for the one who makes life worthwhile and manageable and fills it with joy and laughter.  Thanks, My Love, I'm so glad you found me.  I want my testimony to be obvious as well as my gratitude for it.  I want my hope to be obvious.  And a bit of kindness, no matter what.