Conflicted

Fun ice cubes from out of the hose.

I'm frequently conflicted about things.  I am usually able to see things from several different perspectives.  And I'm still conflicted about this little blog of mine.  It's been an important part of my life for 9 years.  I've thought about things I want to say here, I've taken pictures specifically to include.  I've loved that people from across the world take a peek at what I've written.  It's been a good personal outlet.

But...it's been somewhat ruined for me.  I made this blog private because of some things that were said.  And I tried to ignore them, but it kept coming up in nearly every conversation with this person.  So I finally succumbed (was no longer interested in hearing about it from this person) and made it private.  And all of a sudden - it wasn't fun to maintain anymore.  I considered posting my thoughts and pictures, and usually discarded them.  It was a bit "spoiled" for me. 

New kind of apple, pretty but not good.

A consequence was the loss of my nearly daily recording (and actively looking for) things I am grateful for.  And I've found my spirits lagging.  I've had to work harder at being cheerful.  I lost my incentive for finding gratitude in every day.  And I miss it.

So here I am, wondering what to do.  Should I just give up altogether? Shall I open it up to the public again?  I somehow still feel a need to keep recording my thoughts, and gratitude.  I'm just not sure how to handle what will happen if I remove the private restrictions and open myself to more of the commentary on my life.  Help!

And it's been a couple weeks since I've been motivated to write anything.  We've kept busy.  The Husband has been with me on errands - which I've loved.  We think we're making progress with the Medicare Part B issue and the high IRMAA premiums they've wanted to charge us.  We've had some success in finding small gifts for the family members for Christmas.

Pretty clouds low on the mountains.

Thanksgiving was fine.  We did our new-ish (third straight year) tradition:  Thanksgiving Breakfast Feast.  Everyone got along well enough for two hours, which seems to be the maximum time we can count on some family members to stay. Some weren't able to come this year, and some are too far away to come. But it was fine.  And once the kitchen was cleaned, and we had a brief walk, it was time to start cooking all over again for dinner.  Only 4 of us at that one and as time goes on I find myself reducing the scope of the meal more and more.  In spite of that, we never go hungry.  And the mint frosted brownies are loved by all of us instead of only one person liking pumpkin pie. I'm fine with "out-of-the-box" thinking when traditional thinking no longer works.

Love this curvy part of trail.

The leaves have been raked and bagged; and raked and bagged again - and again.  And now that we've had some colder temps and a bit of wind the last of the leaves are scattered across the lawn awaiting our attention.  We've been for walks.  We've watched movies on Amazon Prime and Netflix and have recorded what feels like dozens of Hallmark Movies (I'm a sucker for a happy ending) for when we need to just relax.

I'm so grateful for life.  For hope for something fun in the future.  And for hope in general.  I'm grateful that some of those horrible wildfires in CA are being contained.  My heart just hurts for those who've lost anything / everything.  I'm grateful for people who are kind to my children.  I'm grateful that our son and his family are coming for a visit on Saturday.  (Hope I can find something decent to feed them.)  I'm so grateful that we made a quick trip to the grocery the day before Thanksgiving and ran into several people we know to chat with, and were even invited to an impromptu lunch (though we are now officially done with KFC).

I'm grateful for a phone that I carry in my pocket to take pictures of whatever catches my eye.  I'm grateful for the patience of those around me as I struggle to find the right path, and traverse said path with even a modicum of grace.  I'll keep trying and I hope they'll never give up on me.