Owie

Sometimes I think about my life and it feels like there's a parade of all the things I've done wrong, all the hurt I've caused, all my faults, all my struggles pass through my head and all I can do is wonder how I have any value. 

Lately it feels like things "set me off" more than in the past.  I don't know if it's because I'm always hurting from this dang shoulder, or if I'm just truly a cantankerous old woman. 

I never want to cause pain.  And I try really hard to be accepting and kind.  But sometimes - sheesh!  And I hope to never talk to anyone the way I was talked to today.  Especially someone whose story/life/background I know nothing about.

I don't do well with people telling me what to do.  And yup, I'm aware that's a huge failing.  I think I've probably mentioned here before how troubling that is for me.  I've become cognizant that I sometimes do that to others, pretty much always with the intent to help out, but really, people are gonna be who they want/do what they want and (like me) they need to be allowed to do whatever on their own.  

Still, I'm smarting about this morning's interaction. And it set me off. I got a bit upset.  Am still upset.  But the entire time I've been doing chores since we got home, I've been praying to not be that way. To not be mad, to not take it out on anyone (especially The Husband).  I'm slowly calming down.  But not really fast enough.  So, I'm isolating for a little bit here trying to just breathe it out, and let it go.  That's one owie - it truly was hurtful and upsetting. (And I'm guessing with a bit of time and perspective I will decide it wasn't that big a deal after all. That time hasn't happened yet.)

Had an invitation that resulted in my attending the temple with a couple ward sisters. Since it's really hard for me to tell people no, and I simply couldn't figure out how to do it in this instance, there I sat with two women.  One of which I might call a friend. I felt awkward and out of place.  I finally gave myself a talking-to and said we were all there to do some service.  Just let that be the important thing. And it was ok. Not wonderful.  But not terrible either.  It did feel good to be in the temple.  

Stuck my hand in the freezer this morning and jammed my thumb.  Broke the nail further back than nails are meant to be broken.  It's kinda ugly looking.  Then at the storehouse this morning I broke two more nails. It's a good thing I'm not vain about my hands.  (My Mom used to tell me my hands looked just like my grandma's and weren't meant to be pretty but to be useful.  I guess I learned to not want pretty hands.)  That's another owie.  And it'll take some time for that to heal.

Am looking forward to Monday.  The Husband took his glass paperweight class yesterday afternoon.  It was a fairly short class, but I think he enjoyed it.  After the glasswork was done, the item has to cool in a regulated environment for a minimum of 24 hours.  Can't wait to see his finished project.  Thanks to my friend Leslee for the gift suggestion.  I think it might have been a good one.

Grateful today that there was no owie from the glass class, that the storehouse wasn't too crazy busy, just steady, that someone there was kind to me to help balance out the unkind. And hopeful today for healing from all the owies.  The physical and the emotional.