And I am going to be more open and more vulnerable than I probably should be. My purpose is to have record of my feelings/thoughts so I won't forget, or will be able to re-read and remember. This is, after all, my journal.
I've struggled a lot lately. Life is not quite what we had hoped for at this stage of our life. I often mostly feel not only marginalized and irrelevant, but pretty much inferior and of little value. I pray a lot to know if Heavenly Father values me and if I matter as much as all the (pretty,popular,wealthy,influential,powerful) people we seem to be surrounded with. I don't want to be "more" than them, just want to feel like I'm pretty equally cared for by our Creator. I get weary of feeling so much "less than". I'm one of those who struggles to feel strongly that my prayers are answered - I rarely feel those "hit up the side of the head" sort of answers.
Additionally: I've always been an easy cry-er. Much to my dismay. Any little thing sets me off - but most particularly when someone else is crying. I find it hard to keep those tears from falling. And I'm definitely in the ugly cry-er camp. Not a single pleasant thing about my tears. At one point in my life I had better control, but the last year or two, not so much. That was one thing I was praying for yesterday, was to get better control over my crying.
Here's the setting: Sacrament meeting yesterday at church. Fast Sunday - the assumption is that most of the adults in the chapel are fasting, which includes prayer for something important to them. Answers, help, gratitude - the reasons for fasting and prayer are as many and varied as one could imagine. Everyone needs divine help. We cannot navigate this world without it, in my opinion.
Brother "D" got up to bear his testimony, started out by saying what he was going to do was unusual. His wife who has had multiple experiences with cancer and is a sweetheart of the first order can no longer hold a coherent conversation. His intent was to say the things she would say (as someone who knows her best) if she could. He spoke a fair amount of her sincere testimony of the Savior. He expressed what he is certain is her gratitude for the Savior and His sacrifice on our behalf. He mentioned that he was sure she would also speak her gratitude for those around her who help her, including those who drop things off at the door and who send her notes in the mail. He was so sincere and great about being specific without mentioning names. I admire that attribute - name dropping is rarely effective.
At that point, I lost it. Completely. Though silent, the tears were streaming down my face and I was trying hard to control my breathing. I didn't want to wipe the moisture from my face and further draw attention to myself so I just sat trying valiantly (but probably with little success) to control myself.
The thing is - I do those things for her. She is one of the sisters I'm assigned to minister to. Was told when the assignment was made that she needed someone that would pay attention to her and the R.S. president was sure I was that person. (Mostly because I have that scarlet R (for being responsible) emblazoned on my forehead.) I want - and hope - to think there are others doing those things for her, also. But the knowledge that I actually am doing those things for her (I sent her a card in the mail just the other day) and that it somehow makes a difference in her life - and in a roundabout way I received the message that I matter somehow to someone - was stunning to me. I need - and choose - to believe this was a direct answer to my prayers. That I matter.
As soon as the meeting was over I skedaddled out of the chapel as quick as I could. Needed to get away from people and in to the R.S. room behind the piano (subbing for the music) where I could be kind of unseen - it's that ugly crying thing I do. Not too many minutes passed when a sweet sister came and sat beside me. Asked me if I was ok. Was there anything she could do. While I played the prelude we chatted. While I don't know her well, I've always admired her. We don't move in the same rarified circles (we're older, poorer, less classy) but I've tried to kind of reach out. She's truly a great example of many good things. (On her FB profile she lists herself as a collector of happy, which should indicate the kind of person she is.) Anyway, she went out of her way to connect with me. Even picked up a tissue and blotted away all the wet tears from my cheeks while I played the piano. Later in the afternoon when we texted a bit (I was thanking her for her kindness) she told me she'd like to be a friend I could confide in. A squeeze straight to my heart. More tears.
So, it was an emotional day. I want to remember how struck I was by what Brother "D" said in his testimony - what felt was a rare, distinct answer to my prayer. I want to think that Heavenly Father answered my prayer in a way that was immediately recognizable. I am so grateful for that one answer to my prayer. I pray for many things daily. And every fast sunday I try to be very mindful about what I'm fasting and praying for. This was one time I want to remember and never forget. I am grateful for that.
I am grateful today for a small improvement in my perspective. I may be just a small sparrow in the scheme of things but was reminded yesterday that even the small sparrow has the attention of our Heavenly Father.
I'll close this with a quote I like. Happiness will follow.
And I love that because there’s an implication of not identifying yourself with the emotion fully. I am not sad, it’s just that sadness is on me for a while.
Something else will be on me another time, and that’s a good thing to recognise.
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