A day I usually approach with anguish and dread. This is the second Mother's Day without my Mom. And that has caused some reflection on my part. It took me a long, long time to come to terms with her mothering; a long time to believe and acknowledge that she did the best that she could.
No one knows what goes on behind the doors of a home, and in some cases what goes on is too painful, mortifying and awful to reveal to any outsider. This was the case in my family. There are very few recalled instances of happiness. I mentioned to The Husband the other day that I can actually NOT pinpoint any time when I received any physical signs of affection, hugs or anything like unto it, from my Mother. They must have occured. Surely they did. But clearly with no impact on me or I would remember feeling loved.
Therefore, I didn't learn to love or nurture from my own experience or family example. And there are lots of ways in which I know I failed as a mother. I can hope that one day my own children will be lenient in their judgements and also realize that I hoped to do better and that I truly did try to do the best that I could.
In an effort to find a positive spin on this emotionally challenging day I've been thinking of some good things I learned from my mother.
- A love for the gospel of Jesus Christ. My testimony of our church is invaluable. It keeps me attending church when it might be easier to stay at home.
- People matter. Children, family, relatives friends, acquaintances, (some of this has been learned by extrapolation and extension): all people matter, people count.
- Music is a blessing from Above. Sung, played on an instrument, played on the airwaves (or today on an iPod or some other technical apparatus) - whatever. It enriches our soul, lifts our spirits, changes our mood and fulfills our lives. (I understand that as a baby I used to sing myself to sleep. How cute.)
- Work first, play after. Although there was very little play in my childhood, I've long lived by this philosphy - and have felt the benefits of getting the hard stuff out of the way so as to be able to better enjoy the fun stuff. Without pressure of undone tasks, no cloud hanging over my head. So much better for me.
- I learned a love of books and literature. My Grandmother (whose birthday I share) told my mother she let me read far too much. I'm so glad Mom just let that criticism slip on by without action. My life has been immeasurably richer for the reading I have done. My vocabulary marginally broader, and my mind stimulated. For this one thing alone I could never express enough gratitude.
Someone asked me the other day if I was having all the family over today to celebrate. It's been a quiet day. I've heard from 3 of my 4 children. Conversations where love was expressed and laughter shared. Those are balm to my soul. I'm grateful for children who understand the importance of unsolicited affection. And My Love: my undying gratitude for the past 43 years. For the unwavering confidence in my abilities that I've felt from you, for the constancy of your declaration of my innate worth.
My heart is full on this day when I can easily recognize the blessings that are mine because of Mother's Day. It's been a long time coming and I might not be in this frame of mind again. But for today, it was enough.
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